Okay listen up. I just completed exactly 50% of your holiday shopping this morning with this, the Official Clifton Burt 2010 Holiday Guide for the Male Humans in Your Life.
For the love of God don’t buy them ties or socks (unless they’re expensive) this year.
1) Forest. Exclusion Zone, Chernobyl by Donald Weber
Dad This one’s for your Dad who grew up in a Cold War reality and quietly prefers a world full of nukes to one full of underwear bombers. Yes, he’ll think you’re weird when you give him this print, but he already thinks you’re weird so you might as well just run with it.
2) Rift #26 (Heimaey Houses) by Marion Belanger
Brother-in-law The sink-hole that this Icelandic house has fallen into approximates the sinking feeling your brother-in-law feels in his stomach when he looks at his 401k statement as we emerge from the Great Recession. Having this photo on his office wall will at least allow him to think “well at least I’m not that guy.”
3) Icebreaker, Emperor penguin, Southern O., Antarctica by Stuart Klipper
Older Brother The stoic, constant, austere older brother; more grown up than he should be for his age. Achingly present at all times, like the cold arctic wind in this print. Jesus, I’m depressed. Just give it to him already.
4) Swell, Southern Ocean near 50 S, Antarctica by Stuart Klipper
Brother-in-law (no the other one) This print’s going to the brother-in-law who you’ve never seen not angry about something. Like the Antarctic swells in this print, forces are conspiring to sink him. And, even more than he suspects, everyone’s in on it: the barista who used whole milk not skim as he requested, the grocery store checker that didn’t give him his rewards discount on his hair-product, and the insurance company that raised his premium after his DUI.
5) Jump by Thomas Prior
Younger Brother This print is going to the younger brother that’s always taking bigger risks than he should due to being the baby of the family and feeling that there’s always a safety net. Diving into 2 feet of water should cure him of that.
6) The Sledding Hill (Dusk) by Joseph O. Holmes
Grandfather At the sunset of his life, his kids are huge disappointments and his grandchildren (that’s you) won’t unplug themselves from their gadgets long enough to even spend a quality moment listening to how it use to be. The least you can do is provide him with a window to 1837 when he used to frolic in the snow on a sled named Rosebud.
7) West Forty-third Street (Yellow Cabs) by Joseph O. Holmes
Boss This one’s for your boss who’s slightly more important than you are. The end.
ps. You’ll also want to pick up an edition of this print for yourself.